Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
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