What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Damn victory sex feels great
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
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