so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I have so many feelings about this burrito
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