Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
