Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
