The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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