I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
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Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
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Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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