I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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