weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
My cat gives me a boner
where does the pee come out of this thing
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize
