A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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