I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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