Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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