party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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