my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
