i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Every concussion has its silver lining
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Randomize
