we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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