I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
