my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
