I molested 6 butterflies tonight
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
