i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
