Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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