he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
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