you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
