it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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