If that was your dad, he is hot
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Randomize
