May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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