I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
