I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
