I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
