i don't like sucking hair
i barfeds in our rink
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
