I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
