he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Randomize
