I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
and she was petting her beer can
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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