i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
