i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
