you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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