a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
