I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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