Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
