i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
