Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
