i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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