i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
