apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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