Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Randomize
