I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
