please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
