I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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