we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
