i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
