watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Randomize
