I hate your face
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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