We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
