stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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