Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
