if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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