woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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