dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
It's never too late to be topless.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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