I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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