Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
